Full text

Whenever I listen to the flaming lips, I'm reminded of my plane trip to see my biological father when I was in the 10th grade that summer. It was the summer of my first kiss, coincidentally. On my ipod I had all of the current flaming lips albums and for the flight I listened to all of them. But something about that flight and subsequent happy trip really changed my life. It was the beginning of these realizations I would later have about life, the universe, and everything. I think the biggest part of what was happening were the feelings I was having, of comfort and happiness, warmth and hope. I was still an atheist but these occurences would lead to a belief in god.

Yes, I used to be an atheist. I was a fairly militant one. Most of my friends are still atheists or agnostics, and I really understand their viewpoint because of my former status as an atheist. Now that I believe in god, I can see all the traps that religion creates for you, ones that are hard to explain but are basically why atheists are atheists in the first place. When I get a lasso around my beliefs, my belief in eternity and souls is only one part of the equation. I also believe in motivation, mobility, upward mobility, opportunity, dexterity, creativity, resilience, objectivity, compassion, logic, honesty, civil rights, freedom, sexual freedom, and other things along these lines. It's not exactly political, but the strongest adverseraries I have to this secondary part of my belief system tend to be conservatives. Enter: my grandpa.

I talk about him a lot. I have this amazing opportunity to confer my own thoughts with someone else, because I live so close to this amazing character, and because what I do necessarily goes hand in hand with his cooperation. But this situation only highlights our differences in belief. He's a workaholic. I think work is a distraction. I'm not lazy, I love being productive, but his idea of what I should do at this point in my life is to join a work program and learn discipline and respect, while I'm more of a "live in three places at once while living off of the government" type of person. It goes back to my belief in mobility and freedom. And welfare. I met a woman online who thinks that welfare is theivery, whereas I'm pretty staunch in my belief that welfare is a good thing. Hey, I'm on social security. And trust me, I'm taking advantage of the opportunity the american people have given me in their generous decision to give me money. I'm learning things, I'm developing, I'm planning.

But the situation of my grandpa basicially blocking my freedom has just opened my eyes to how different our beliefs are. He won't let me move out (jokes on him, I'm moving out anyway). This goes against what I believe about opportunity. I'm creating opportunities for myself to succeed when I organize a move. I made the choice to go to a community college for my (first) degree, and he is not helping me in this regard. The way I see it, I went through four years of high school, I should have the freedom to choose where I go to college. But he wants me to go to a four year school in Durant. I don't want to move there. Many of the things that would make me me would disappear. I mean, I have dexterity, but nobody's flexible enough to move someplace they have no friends and live in a shitty apartment, not being able to afford internet, with nothing to do but go to class, etc. It would have been like putting on a straitjacket, which is the sort of thing my grandpa likes because he's trying to teach me discipline. I'm a creative person, I honestly have enough discipline to live my life already.

Anyway, I wanted the message of this post to be more positive, so I won't focus on my grandpa. What I respect is people who, with limited income and opportunity, manage to live full lives because of their creativity and compassion. These people make a difference in the world around them, and when you take away the basic fuel of their lives, freedom, you're squelching a part of something very inspiring. Yes'm, 's why I hate the ol' conservative agenda. I hope to live an astounding life. I don't need a college education (but I'm getting one) and I don't need a three-figure salary to do this. With people like my grandpa in my life, it's a much greater challenge.

One of the greatest criticisms I receive from my best friends is that I sound like I'm trying to change the world. What if I am? LOL. But no, if they think I'm Hitler or something, that's not what I'm all about. I don't even think I'm that cool, I just like to have fun. I just want to have a good life, and it's in my spirit to have a sort of radical existence. I remember one time I lied to the walmart people who I told that I was doing a school project. I had a camera, and cameras aren't technically allowed in walmart because you could snap photos of the prices and they hate that. Well, it wasn't for a school project, but I walked down the aisles snapping photographs and I felt like the press, like a reporter from another country just trying to document this foreign "walmart" place. It's all in your perspective. I still think that's one of the coolest things I've ever done, and it was pretty dorky.

But I've figured everything out and my values aren't threatened. I'm moving to an urban place, which is where I'm most comfortable and creative, and getting out of this sick conservative nightmare with my little government check. Take that, Republicans!