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I usually come up with a title after I write something, but I know this one will be dead on.

I have a phobia. I hate going places like supermarkets and convenience stores, restaurants and municipal centers--well municipal centers are usually ok because I fit in there, sadly. I guess I'm an entity of public property. That's why I seem more comfortable in those places (ie, courts, lawyers offices, HUD offices, tag agencies.)

This is completely egotistical; the next thing I'll pursuade you into believing. I'll explain later, and you'll believe me then: I am public property.

Here's why. I went through the justice system. It's wild, man, it's like the end of the world in those buildings. I'll be more realistic. It's stress hell. My life is stress hell. I was charged with a felony, and to dodge a conviction, my lawyer had me evaluated for incompetency. And I wanted it, because I wanted to be innocent. Well, I must not have been paying much attention, because my lawyer most definitely didn't have a grasp on things like "lifespan," "well-being," "independence," or even "privacy" or "self-respect."

And maybe he was testing me. It's a corrupt system after all, and only the foolish ones are punished by it.

So, incompetency. What would have have meant for me? I would have no control over the direction of my life--that's what I would hate the most. But more importantly, I would be a subject for the rest of my life, an animal. For sure, I'd be safe from ever getting another conviction, because once you're incompetent you're protected, but that was the point when I would have certainly become "public." "Fucking." "Property."

I wasn't deemed incompetent. But the system bedevils me still. I am utterly self-conscious in all public places, except the aforementioned ones--inside those municipal buildings, where I "belong." But in the supermarket, I'm still that animal I almost became. And fuck, did I dodge a bullet. Innosense could never have been worth officially being incompetent. (side note, my spell checker is disabled for some reason.)

But am I different from anyone else? Not at all. And this is what's right on: excepting those who have been sheltered from the system (the justice system and even the community's societal system) completely for their entire lives, we're all spotlighted in public. And a consequence is utter chaos. I live in a small town, so I might have the wrong perspective, but everyone is completely aware of everyone else's behavior. But they're just as self-conscious as I am.

The people who live in town organize themselves like socialists; it's somehow tribal. But they don't know it's because of their own insecurities.

My defense mechanism is a simple one. I maintain a constant state of obliviousness. And occasionally, when I get really freaked out by other people, who maintain a constant state of public emergency, I'll just get on the phone and call somebody. It's very transporting. So I'm dodging another bullet. The future. Maybe I'll live forever this way. Or maybe, find myself a role in Operation Rebuild when it all blows over.