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Yes, I just started a note on facebook with the title, “The taste of beer.” My friends are getting married, starting their own parties, passing jokes around, and what do I decide to do? Excercise my language skills by talking about beer. First of all, I’m probably going to hell for this. The beer part of the title is bad, and the taste part of the title is bad, because I assume you go to hell when you’re a substance abuser, like me, and for enjoying the sensual pleasures of life too much, like tastes. What I mean is this— the focus of my blog is the TASTE of beer, and tastes are generally a lower experience of life, something salt-licking deer are overpowered by, and something humans generally don’t focus on except on the finer nights of their life, sitting in a five star restaurant. And this post isn’t even about that. It’s about the taste of BEER. So yes, I’m going to hell.

It’s pretty easy to write a note about the taste of beer. All you have to do is focus on the details, and maybe come up with a little story surrounding the experience. For instance, I don’t really like the taste of beer. That’s a detail. Next, I could take my detail one step further by reflecting that I’m getting pleasure from something I don’t even like. I won’t be saying I drink a lot of beer, because I don’t. But maybe I would write about the irony of not enjoying the taste of something I consume all the time. I could clarify, next, and say that I don’t like the taste of all beers. In this case, it happens to be good beers, or the type of beers other people will only drink, that I don’t like. See, I get bonus points there for double irony—I don’t like the taste of something I drink all the time, and I don’t like the taste of something people are selective about the taste of, or something that people usually consider the better kind. I drink cheap beer, and I prefer cheap beer.

Now, I know I’ve chosen a good topic because there are hundreds of stories I could think of about beer that I could write about.

I like to focus on sense details, and use them to further my story. Like, I could say: I had just returned to the trailer when I found a warm beer that was half full. I took a swig and to my dismay, tasted the bitterness of a cigarette butt which I had dumped in the can earlier. Now, this is a true story, and it’s a good story, because it hints at further substance abuse, that is the habit of smoking. Generally, stories on facebook involving substance abuse, are five-star. I can’t really fact check that, but trust me. It’s entertaining. I’ve written entire notes about what I think about when I smoke, and those are generally successful. But, I make a sacrifice to provide this entertainment. I don’t like smoking and drinking. I want to quit smoking, and I hate drinking so much I rarely exceed two beers, just because I hate being drunk. My sacrifice is to not lead a “straightedge” life, the straightedge life I so desire, and my gain is simply… entertainment.

At this point in my note, I’m thinking about the reader. They don’t agree with my lifestyle. They don’t agree the payoff is worth it, to be a sinner in order to be a thrilling person. They’re probably judging me now. So I have to appeal in that sense to my reader. I would say something like—“you know, I’m really upset about my lifestyle, and I can’t wait to make a change.” Then I’ve got them back. It’s not even a lie you know, I really don’t think this is the life I should lead, a drinking, smoking, porn-addicted man. Then I realize I never mentioned anything about porn. Then I hastily finish up the note, rounding back on previous points to make a firm conclusion.

The taste of beer is something I haven’t always been fond of, but I knew that I would have to learn to love it if I was going to lead the life of a booze-hound that I knew I was heading for. It took me months of practice before the taste of even cheap beer was OK to me, and I could bear to down a beer or two at a time. Now, beer doesn’t taste so much like cigarette butts and is drinkable, something I’m glad of, for my life would be so boring without beer. I even find that my writing skills improve when I’m drinking beer—but I had only had one when I wrote this note, and sadly, the resulting post was in fact very boring. I’ll make another about cigarettes when I’ve downed a little more alcohol.